The struggle of being a mid-twenties male in a first world country with little to no worry in this day and age is that I cannot shake the question of "Why do I do what I do?" I am blessed with a low-stress life, with an abundance of food, and a roof over my head. Yet, this inquisition of "Why do I do what I do?" covers from my profession down to my reasons for writing this blog. I just struggle with what is my motivation, my reason, my purpose.

I know I cannot speak for anyone else on this topic, but I want to explore what gets me to wake up and do the same mundane actions over and over again? Why do I conscientiously make the decision to go to work and pay my bills? I am single at this point in life and lack a profound sense of direction or purpose. Without those coveted resources to motivate myself and find meaning in, I do not know why I do what I do. What keeps me going?

I am starting to think at this point in my life the only thing helping me move forward is to find the answer of what does it mean to be a good man. Is there an overarching standard that every man on earth can agree on in the realm of masculinity? 

I do find a small sense of purpose in the pursuit of the topic of masculinity.  My siblings and parents bring a sense of significance to the table as well which helps get me moving every day. I just honestly want to figure out why I give two flips about anything, though. I used to find so much motivation from the spiritual side of life, but that seems to have fallen by the wayside in the recent years. I used to feed the homeless, pray for them, and give them the shoes off of my feet. I served under ministries that had a global impact and were charismatic on many levels. Hours and hours of my life exchanged for endless moments of socially awkward encounters, lengthy rants of ignorant assumptive statements, and plenty of heartfelt emotionally moving instances. I did not find fulfillment or purpose in this, though, just momentary blindness to my immediate reality. I had used religion and my old role models opinions to be my plumb line for my aspirations and it gave me a false sense of security which was ripped away by the reality of life taking its course. 

After I had graduated high school, I spent around five years of my life passionately pursuing that which I thought was pure and real. It was my motivation. I would get up easily every day and go to sleep at night ready and excited for the next day. Something changed, though. In the last four years, I have procrastinated many nights of going to sleep at a regular hour because I do not want to rest my eyes and have to wake up to another day in a world that feels so directionless, empty, and broken.  The lack of knowing why I do what I do has crippled me in some senses. 
The monotony has been the bane of my existence. I crave some sort of insane adventurous adversity to overcome. Yet, I can hardly overcome another day of tumultuous reality which I have immersed myself deeply in, which I find deeply ironic and pathetic on many levels.

Does a man ever find purpose? Or is it being able to find contentment in the wrestling match with the questions life pose? I sometimes wish for moments that I was able to turn my brain off and stop thinking about things which seem to cripple me on many levels. The biggest thing that I purely find motivation and purpose in is curiosity.  The investigation of that which I do not know seems to be a key motivation. Maybe that is all I need. To stay curious like a little boy with a huge world to explore and discover. If I continue to find things that I want to learn and explore I will give me a small reason to wake up in the morning.

I know there are days when I do not even want to think about why I do what I do, but the reality is whether I think about it or not I have a motive. 

Why do you do what you do? 

Cheers,

Timothy