The Intro

During these very unique times of life, hardship for many humans is being created due to the pandemic. I felt it would be an appropriate time to ask for the wisdom of men whom I respect to answer questions around how to handle hardship and difficult times.

The way it is formatted is I will introduce each man who has answered the questions and you will also see ways to find out more about them as well.

I hope you find encouragement, wisdom, and hope in the answers written to these questions.

The Men Who Answered

Each of these men I believe has some great wisdom to share in regards to the topic of hardship. To help you know who the writers are I thought knowing a little information on them would be beneficial and if you like what they said feel free to reach out to them!

Without any further ado, here they are.

• Name: Nick
  Age: 32
  Website: Afterthecall.org
  About: A psychotherapist with a specialization in first responders mental health.

• Name: Lane Belone
  Age: 32
  Website: qolenterprises.com & HumbleAlphaBook.com
  About: I grew up in a small town, joined the military and now help people do more of what they really want in life. Enjoy traveling.

• Name: Mike
  Age: 42
  Websites: Instagram Profile & http://www.modernchivalrymen.org/
  About: I’m a husband, father of 3, and a man of faith. I am passionate about the path which men are on and my own pursuit of the best version of myself. I love the outdoors, adventure, and to laugh. I have walked with men through hard times and have seen life change for them and for myself.

• Name: Daniel P. David, PhD, LCSW
  Age: 58
  Website: https://www.atlantamenscounselingtherapy.com/
  About: I endeavor to be a better person each day, a more loving father, a compassionate human, a mindful person, and a fierce advocate for people who experience racial or social injustices in this world. I am an Oxford-trained psychotherapist and a men's issues, advocate. I've spent over 35 years working with men of all ages and backgrounds. I started out working with young men in New York City street gangs for 20 years and then I became a therapist and specialize in working with young adult men and I've been an executive coach to corporate CEO's in Fortune 500 companies for the past 15 years.

• Name: Justin Bailey
  Age: 39
  Website: Codeofcharacter.com
  About: Husband, father, soldier, and podcaster interested in being a bridge among people.

• Name: Fernando Desouches
  Age: 45
  Website: newmacho.co.uk

The Questions

What do you say to a man going through a hard time?

• Nick - This fully depends on what is meant by "hard" and "time". If this is a rational problem (grief e.g.) then we would look at problem-solving as best we can by making meaning out of the experience. If it isn’t rational, but more emotionally based (anxiety, depression e.g.) then there's a whole suite of tools and skills that we review. It, generally, comes down to how are they viewing what is going on and is there any problems with how they perceive the event that is causing more strife.

• Lane - Never quit. Every man deals with hardships and challenges. It's those that refuse to quit that always come out the other side for the better. Hard times allow us men to step into our greatness. We just need to decide to do so.

• Mike - First of all, I would say tough times don’t last. It may feel like this is your new reality, but think back 10yrs, is that your current reality? We all hit seasons of our lives and some are hard and some are great. Some seasons are a new low and some are a new high. Hard times are incredible opportunities for us to learn. Learn about ourselves and learn about how to overcome. We must be careful not to point blame and become cynical about the world.

• Daniel - When it feels like you're in a dark tunnel and can't see the light at the end, keep going because the light may appear just around the bend.

• Justin - We all go through hard times. Each of us are unique, but our experiences are not. Find a way to reach out to others, someone you know has been there, done that, and is thriving on the other side.

• Fernando - I'm sorry for what you are going through. What do you need now?

How do you stay mentally strong when times are hard?

• Lane - Remind myself that I have whatever I need within. The guts, perseverance, knowledge, compassion; whatever I need, I got it. This doesn't mean I don't need help. Quite the opposite. But seeking other’s help means they help me extract what I need in that moment.

• Mike - For me, I have surrounded myself with people, activities, and God. I have people in my life that I can go to when I am struggling mentally and spiritually with things like fear, doubt, anxiety. I lean into them to remind me of the truth of who I am. To remind me that I am not alone. I engage in activities that help me get out of self-pity or despair. Exercise, meditation, journaling, volunteering, playing with my kids and checking on others. All of these activities help me to engage in other areas of my mind. Our minds can spiral and if we allow those negative fear-based thoughts to rule us then we lose that mental toughness. Finally, I am learning to rely more on God. This is new ground for me over the past few years. It’s different for each of us, but it’s a relationship I am developing through reading, prayer, and some upbeat Christian rock. It’s been powerful and uplifting for me. I, however, had to let go of some old beliefs which were not easy.

• Daniel - Stay grounded in loving relationships, radically accept what can't be controlled, take actions that move you toward your goal a little bit each day, laugh a lot, and "

• Justin - I do my best to keep my head in reality. Our minds will lie to us and catastrophize the events happening to us. I find questions like “what’s the worst that can happen” and “how likely is that worst-case scenario to actually happen” helpful during hard times."

• Fernando - Read books or do things that help me to see the big picture. Try to keep a connection with your significant others, even at a distance. Breath deeply and exercise.

• Nick - Routine. Personally, keeping to goals and routines is crucially important. Especially now that we are mostly stuck at home, creating some semblance of a routine is important. Keeping small goals that are easily achievable is also important to me. Lastly, checking in with colleagues to ensure that I am not viewing or thinking of situations from a cognitively distorted viewpoint.

Do hard times make you a better man?

• Mike - Absolutely, but only if you let it! I believe one of the greatest gifts we are given is a choice. I can choose to let what’s happening to bring me down and be defeated by it, or I can choose to use it as a lesson in life. A lesson that I can pass on to my children one day. A lesson I can pass on to other men. The fear I have for myself and other men is they will go through a hard time and become hard or cynical. I would say to them, what strength does your hardness and cynicism bring to others? What value do you bring with this kind of negativity? Yes, sometimes things are out of your control and they can be awful things. However, I have met men with some of the worst stories. Stories that would harden many against people. However, these men have used this negative part of their life as a source of strength. They have used it to live a life of wisdom and knowledge for others. That to me is inspiring. That to me is when a man becomes a man that I want to learn from and follow.

• Daniel - Hard times can break a man. Resilience depends on the agility of our minds. I look to be more flexible in my thinking and beliefs about whatever I am struggling with. I let go of self-criticisms and self-judgments. I express love and compassion toward myself by being kind to my "inner kid."

• Justin - Yes... well maybe. I’m not a fan of words like better, what does that mean? But most of us come out of hard times more equipped to live life than before we experienced them. I suppose that is better.

• Fernando - "There is no birth of consciousness without pain" Carl G. Jung

• Nick - This fully depends on how they navigate it. Hard times can grind us down. In some sense, this is probably necessary and occurs to everyone. How we ride that experience matters. This is why Post Traumatic Growth is a budding research field - hard times navigated appropriately make us more resilient in the end.

• Lane - 100%. Hard times allow you to prove to yourself (and others) what you're made of.

How do I become a mentally strong man?

• Daniel - Being mentally and emotionally resilient is the key to mental health.

• Justin - Exercise it, think, and surround yourself with other mentally strong people. Additionally, guard your mind. Don’t allow unhealthy dialogue into your mind. Think of it as a mental diet, stay away from junk food as much a possible.

• Fernando - By accepting what it is. That works for me.

• Nick - Exposure to difficult times while managing and learning new skills and tools and eliminating maladaptive coping all work towards making some more mentally resilient.

• Lane - Surround yourself with mentally strong men. There are hundreds of ways to become mentally strong. The secret is to get around mentally strong men from different walks of life and see what resonates with you. You must have alignment and resonance when becoming mentally strong. In fact, resonance and alignment are applicable to all your life.

• Mike - Seek Wisdom! Be a seeker of new ideas and new ways to live life better as a man. Never stop seeking. Learn from other men. Stuff your pride way down and get it out of your way. Open up and speak to others about the things you struggle with. It will set you free from the things that are holding you back from being a stronger man. We all have our demons or whatever you want To call it. Those things currently or in our past that are heavy chains we carry. Bringing those things out into the light and with a trusted audience helps break those chains that hold you down and back from doing great things.

How do I stay calm in difficult situations?

• Justin - Once you’ve seen others freak out in a situation and observed the negative outcome, it’s clear that calmness is the only reasonable response.

• Fernando - Breath slowly and deeply. Move your body if possible. Listening to/play music.

• Nick - This all depends on how you are viewing the situation. If you let emotions completely take over, you'll be rash, impulsive, and reactive. Not calm. If you temper your emotional experience with rationality - you are better able to be mentally flexible and to remain in an effective state of mind. This doesn't mean the anxiety or excitement will necessarily completely go away either. Just that we are utilizing better skills to help manage it to make ourselves more effective.

• Lane - Take a deep breath and focus on what I can immediately "control". Focus is so important. Many men focus on what they can't control, lost opportunities or other negative things. Focus on the opportunities and what you do, right now.

• Mike - Deep breaths fellas! This is a tricky one. It’s hard not to get worked up. Sometimes that energy helps us get things done. However, we must take a pause in difficult situations. Maybe it’s in your marriage and a big issue has come up. Taking a breath and waiting until you calm down can help you avoid adding more issues and fuel to the fire. Easier said than done. A big part of this is knowing yourself. Knowing how it feels when you get angry, anxious, etc. Try to recognize your physical symptoms of anxiety or anger and throw up a roadblock for yourself to assess the situation. Think of it as a stop sign. You would not accelerate when you see a stop sign. That would get you killed. Stop, take a breath, create a moment where you can collect your thoughts. Maybe you need to take a walk, run, sleep on it, or whatever. Everyone is different on this one. I do believe it takes training. Many of us are simply reactive. Ask yourself, how has being reactive worked for you? For me, usually reactive gets me in trouble. Taking a pause, recognizing how I am feeling has led to far better outcomes.

• Daniel - I meditate. I practice "radical acceptance." I radically accept that I cannot control "_____" (fill in the blank). Then I focus on actions that I can take that are within my capabilities. Suspending judgments of myself or others, I ask myself, "What are some healthy responses to this challenging situation?" I also seek wise counsel with family, friends, and colleagues.

What do you do when your whole world is falling apart?

• Fernando - Try to cry, it is not always easy but it is needed to let go and move forward. Also, talk about it with someone, help me to order my thoughts and find new ways.

• Nick - The way this question is phrased is a cognitive distortion and an emotional metaphor. Therefore, it would be difficult to navigate any situation if I believed that the world was actually falling apart. But, given COVID is ramped up and the world needs to act differently now, we need to look at the facts. This allows a more reasoned and flexible plan to take shape. So any number of questions could be asked - how probable is it that I'll get it, how likely is it that if I do get it, I'll die, etc. Then I either change how I see a situation or problem solve what I am able to. This serves to challenge my perceptions and to give me agency.

• Lane - Take a quick pause and breath. Look at the opportunities and silver linings in the situation. Then with that optimistic outlook, begin to take small positive actions. In the most extreme case, I write a letter to myself years ago. It's like a "break in case of emergency" letter. I wrote it to myself when I was in super high spirits. It's a reminder of what I need to hear when I'm ultra down. I've only had to read it once since I wrote it, but it helped greatly.

• Mike - This is an incredibly hard question to answer. This may look different for each man. I had a couple of different years that this looked completely different for me. My main point of advice on this one is simply this. DO NOT DO THIS ALONE!! So many men go into isolation and solitude during these hard times. Feeling a sense of failure that they can’t figure it out on their own. Further adding to the world falling apart. You have to do just the opposite. Get help! I bet you would love and be honored if a friend came to you saying they need your help. We are all eager to help and definitely those we love. Do not run from the ones that love you even if they are the ones you feel are most upset with you. Our pride is the biggest obstacle to recovery. We all love redemption stories. Most if not all of those incredible stories have someone or a group of people that helped them find their way out. Don’t run away from everyone, but run to them. And this is hard, but submit. Submit to the fact that you don’t have the answers. You will find strength in your weakness, but you have to trust the process. To build a stronger building, many times they have to tear it down to build a better foundation. We are no different.

• Daniel - I stop, breathe, meditate, plan, and respond to everything that I am capable of responding to. I seek wise counsel and never worry about asking for help when in need.

• Justin - I don’t know. I suppose I’d revisit the reality test. Is my world really falling apart or am I facing a challenge (or multiple challenges)? There are millions of inspirational stories of people coming back from catastrophe if they can do it, why can’t I?

What do you say to someone who is falling apart?

• Nick - Validate that it's a difficult time. Let them know they aren't crazy for struggling and feeling like they are. Then work with them to challenge perceptions where possible and to problem solve where necessary.

• Lane - You got this. I can see it within you. Let's figure out how to bring the greatness out of you again.

• Mike - Get help. There is no shame in hitting hard times. You can get through it faster with the support of your wife, family, friends, a counselor, and for many and now me my faith.

• Daniel - Seek out wisdom from others.

• Justin - I’m here, you matter, there are brighter days ahead.

• Fernando - I listen first and try to say what he/she needs in that particular moment.

How do you stay strong when everything around you is falling apart?

• Lane - Just knowing that I'll never quit helps me find what I need to take the next step.

• Mike - Don’t succumb to the temptations. Hard times lead many men to unhealthy temptations. Maybe its more to drink, drugs, porn, women, etc. There are many “escapes” that suck men in that add to their downward spiral. This is where surrounding yourself with people is key. Admitting you needing help is NOT weakness. This is a lie we have all been sold. Hitting hard times is inevitable, but trying to handle on our own sometimes can be overwhelming for any man. Your manhood is not measured by your ability to handle it all when it’s falling apart. I have more respect for a man that says I need help than I do for one that says I got this and is continually destroying his life and others.

• Daniel - Look for possibilities and opportunities to spread kindness and love. Try to take your eyes off your situation is small ways and divert your attention to what you can do versus what you cannot do.

• Justin - Stick to basics. Stay active, avoid negative people, get sleep, avoid alcohol and toxic foods. Set a goal, work towards it with tunnel vision.

• Fernando - Trying to understand what I need to learn from that moment. Talking about how I feel with another person.

• Nick - By focusing on what I have the power to influence or control, not on what I don’t. I have the ability to influence how I react to a pandemic. I can problem solve how to keep myself safe. But I can't control what others do and so I won't try. Maintaining a routine and fixing on small goals all help to ensure some level of normalcy.

How do you train your mind to be stronger than your emotions?

• Mike - Excercise, meditation, prayer, self-study on my reactions, and conversations with trusted advisors (friends, mentor, counselor)

• Daniel - There an exercise in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy called the "Wise Mind" practice. On a sheet of paper draw a Venn diagram with two overlapping circles. Label the right side as "Emotional Mind" and the left side as "Reasonable Mind" and the middle overlapping area as "Wise Mind." Then write out all of your emotions, emotional-reasoning, and irrational thoughts in the Emotional Mind area and then think about the "facts only" and (no feelings) write out the facts in the Reasonable Mind. Let the facts outweigh the emotional mind and then readjust your feelings about your situation.

• Justin - Live by a code. Whether it’s a religion or philosophy that guides you, determine what your rules for living are while times are good so that when the storms of life come, you will have your code to stick to.

• Fernando - There is a good breathing technique called Heartmath. Do that regularly it has helped me to keep coherence and allows me to respond to what is instead of reacting to it.

• Nick - You don't. You learn to embrace the emotion and listen to it from your logical mind. It's when rationality and emotionality work together that passion becomes reality. By avoiding or trying to overpower emotions we can become too rational resulting in coldness that removes us from others and the ability to sympathize.

• Lane - Marco thinking. The bigger the better. The more altruistic I am, the more I can actually control my individual self. It sounds counterintuitive but very effective. Because the bigger the picture, the easier it is for me to positively influence my body, mind, emotions, etc.

Do we all go through hard times? Why?

• Daniel - Life is pain and struggle from birth to death. It's not avoiding pain and struggle that makes us strong. It's how we deal with pain and struggle that determines our resilience.

• Justin - Life is hard, no one has made it out alive.

• Fernando - Because that's life. Paradise does not exist (at least while we are alive.)

• Nick - Yes. Because it's a mixture of events (which we don’t choose) and perceptions (which we aren't always aware of). If I'm not examining myself and understanding how it reacts, I may be more susceptible to hard times.

• Lane - Not all, but a vast majority. It's because we create our reality. Thus far, the story, belief systems and mindsets have an embedded "hard time' mode. This exists because we believe it is necessary or needed. It's not, but to truly believe that one must dig deep and remove the old belief systems.

• Mike - I think we will all hit hard times. I don’t say this as a pessimist, but simply the complications that life can bring. The unexpected things that can happen are far too many. Also, our decision making can lead us down paths. For the faith-based guy, we are actually told that we can expect trials and tribulations. There is no earning a free pass from trouble. So, then that leads to why. I have a far deeper spiritual answer, but I will give you this. I don’t believe in “deserves” or anything like that. I do believe it’s just part of the human experience. This world is full of many hard but also many joyous things. It’s simply life.

How can I be happy in hard times?

• Justin - Happiness is a poor goal, but a wonderful byproduct. Learn to be content with what you have, without being complacent. Apathy is a killer, but so is the list for “things”. Learn to find that balance and happiness will follow.

• Fernando - I don't know if that's possible because as soon as you are happy it wouldn't be a hard time.

• Nick - By not trying to be happy. Happy is an emotion like anger and therefore it’s fleeting and avoidant. Instead, focus on maintaining purpose and drive and be mindful of the times where I do feel happy. There may be ways for you to recreate that therefore leading to more potential happy times. Happiness shouldn't the side effect not the goal.

• Lane - Focus on the things that make you happy. It's a matter of having incredible/intentional focus on the things that are most important to you.

• Mike - You may not be happy and that’s ok. I sound crazy right? Maybe a hard time is going to show you that you want to be happy again. That it will be the fuel to give you the fight you need to change your situation. I learned a hard lesson in empathy over a year ago. As a continual optimist, I had no idea how empathy truly worked. I would be the silver lining guy to anyone in a hard time. I would point out the good things in their life. Well, I finally hit my hard time and the silver lining stuff did not help. If anything it added to my frustration. Why could I not see the good? Yes, let’s pursue happiness. However, not at the expense of learning from our sadness. You can learn a lot during hard times if you allow yourself. That is one huge piece of advice I would give that helped me and others turn a hard time into something better. Start to tell yourself you are thankful for this hard time. You are thankful that you have been given this gift to see life a bit differently. Being thankful for your situation can completely change your outlook. Faking happiness during a hard time is not authentic. It does not allow you to learn. It does not allow you true connection with others that may be struggling too. Connection and thankfulness will lead you back to happiness.

• Daniel - Do kind things for others. Share your love.

How do I make the best of a difficult situation?

• Fernando - Just go through it as you can, you will certainly learn something new from it.

• Nick - By following the above you are making strides towards this. Bottom line is that ensuring that you are looking st things flexibly, that you are not fully emotionally driven and that you are engaging in some examination of self (personally or professionally) you're well on your way. Ultimately, it will be how you see yourself in the situation and what you believe that makes the difference. So its best to find out what you believe and to start challenging it before anything happens that makes the biggest difference. You don’t learn to fight by only getting into fights. They act to temper your skills that you learn outside the ring for instance. Mental resilience is no different.

• Lane - See opportunity everywhere. Program my subconscious mind to see opportunity. Silver linings.

• Mike - Be thankful for all of it. If it’s good great. If it’s something hard then it’s simply a lesson to learn from. Make the best of all of it, but see it as a gift. When we lose a loved one, for example, we are reminded of how beautiful the gift of life is. There is no stronger lesson to appreciate life than to experience death.

• Daniel - Help yourself by helping others.

• Justin - Don’t make value judgments on your experiences (good or bad). We all have had experiences that we would label as “bad” in the moment but months or years later we see those events shaped us in a powerful way for the future. As my friend Mark Goblowsky says “Our strength is found in our struggle”.