How do I forgive myself?

Have you ever asked yourself, “How do I forgive myself?” It is a difficult and amazing question all at the same time. Recently, after one of the darkest years of my life, I have started to ask myself this question a lot and I am amazed by the amount of impact it has had on me.

You see, to try and give you context and be concise in painting a picture of my life, earlier this year I broke up with a woman I loved, moved back to the U.S. from Eastern Europe, my business was struggling, and I crashed skateboarding which led to a fractured skull and traumatic brain injury all within a four week period of time.

>>> If you want to hear more about my journey and an in-depth cover of my life, I wrote about it in-depth here. [Click Here For Article] <<<

Anyway, as the storm and array of life struggles arose, a bounty of self-hatred, resentment, and judgment became more and more evident to me as I took the time to thoughtfully self-reflect. While I began to try and address these undesirable feelings, it became crystal clear to me that I was not forgiving myself in a few areas in my life. For example:

• Breaking up with the woman I had loved.

• The impact on my life business risks have had.

• Close relationships that had been strained.

• Getting on that skateboard which led to my TBI.

This pain was and is real, but it now had reached the point where I could no longer ignore this topic or internal struggle which I was experiencing. I mean, it was to the extent, where I was having lucid dreams and while they were occurring, my cognitive interpretation and observations while the dreams were happening was that I needed to forgive myself.

This lack of health in my emotional and mental world which was brought to my attention made me realize I didn’t know how to forgive myself. I mean sure, let’s be honest, this isn’t just an instant fix self-talk statement like, “Tim, I forgive you.” No, this is a reframing of one’s self-perception and beliefs. This is a constant choice to be self-aware of what is going on internally and stopping the negative thoughts or uprooting existing ones.

I was curiously delighted by this invitation to grow and learn, yet, I felt and often still feel unequipped to tackle such painful parts my life. So, I hope you enjoy the work I put into this article and hopefully you find what I have articulated as a useful tool to press through the ebbs and flows of life.

Let’s jump in!

The Definition.

How would you define or describe to another soul what it means to forgive yourself? If you take a moment to stop and think about this, it may surprise you what you believe this means. Mainly, I just want you to have a starting point of your own understanding and thoughts on this topic before you continue reading.

As we jump into the definition, I think finding out what the word ”Forgive” is defined as is a great place to start.

Merriam-Websters.com says:

• to cease to feel resentment against (an offender)

• to give up resentment of or claim to requital for

• to grant relief from payment of

With the word forgive being defined it’s even more appropriate now to ask, what does it mean to forgive yourself?” & “How is self-forgiveness defined?” In my own pursuit of trying to find the definition of self-forgiveness, I came across this excellent paper, “SELF–FORGIVENESS: THE STEPCHILD OF FORGIVENESS RESEARCH” which I will be using some excerpts from for this topic. The authors Julie Hall and Frank Fincham write,

“In the psychology literature, self–forgiveness has been defined as “a willingness to abandon self–resentment in the face of one’s own acknowledged objective wrong, while fostering compassion, generosity, and love toward oneself” (Enright, 1996, p. 115). Bauer et al. (1992) offer a more abstract definition, considering self–forgiveness as the shift from self–estrangement to a feeling of being at home with the self. Bauer et al. (1992) emphasize that self–forgiveness entails placing the transgression in a larger perspective and realizing that one is merely human. Self–forgiveness also can be conceptualized using a phase model, in which an individual moves through an uncovering phase (e.g., denial, guilt, shame), a decision phase (e.g., change of heart), a work phase (e.g. self–awareness, compassion), and finally an outcome phase (e.g., finding meaning, new purpose; Enright, 1996).”

As I read through their definition it inspired me so much. The idea and ability to allow myself to release self-resentment and looking at my transgressions in a much larger point of view with life, I find a sense of freedom and excitement.

Now, this next excerpt from that paper I want to use helps delineate why self-forgiveness is so important from a perspective I had not considered and personally found helpful.

“In interpersonal transgressions, the negative thoughts, feelings, and behaviors toward a transgressor that can occur in the absence of forgiveness may not be activated unless the victim is in contact with the perpetrator. When one harms oneself or someone else, however, the offender must continue to face himself/herself and his/her actions. It is impossible to escape the situation by avoiding the transgressor as one might do in the case of interpersonal transgressions. This fact has led some to suggest that failure to forgive the self may result in self–estrangement or self–destruction (Horsbrugh, 1974).”

Have you ever held self-resentment or hatred because of the decisions you have made in the past that hurt someone else, or for letting someone else cause pain in your life? In reality, this is not often a subject or self-evaluation which is a focus for us humans. Yet, there are many things we have done or others have done to us, which we shouldn’t avoid the impact on our lives. I find this a beautiful and painful thing to realize. I am not proud of some of my past decisions, but avoiding or ignoring the impact they have had on mine and others’ lives does a disservice to me and those whom I love. I want to continuously become a better man and self-forgiveness has played a huge role in this.

Enough said about the definition though and my thoughts around its importance, I think we have enough to work with to get into practical ways to start practicing and applying self-forgiveness into our lives.

How do you begin to forgive yourself?

What an incredible question and a great place to start. Taking a moment to ask yourself, “How do I begin to forgive myself?” could bring you some surprising answers, but for the sake of practical advice and ways to navigate these often untraveled roads, I decided I would break down some ways I have found to do so.

Step 1: Identification

It is incredibly hard to fix a problem or resolve an issue if you are unaware of it. As a residential electrician, I would go on a service call, walk into the house, ask the owner what the problem was, and then seek out where the problem was in the electrical system. Honestly, that may be a bit of an oversimplified example because human beings are much more complex than electrical systems, but the principle and importance of taking the time to identify the problem so you can resolve it is a highly valuable skill which is applicable to our lives as humans.

You might be asking, “How do identify where I am not forgiving myself?” Well, let’s just start with a simple self-evaluation. Take some time when you can just sit and think to answer the following questions.

• What emotions am I feeling in this moment? (Here is a chart of emotion that may help you with vocabulary around this question.)

• What are some decisions or actions I took in the past that still bug me to this day? What about these do I consistently ponder on?

• Do I resent myself for past decisions I made? If so, what are they?

• Am I angry at myself for past decisions I made? If so, what are they?

• Do I have the desire to address these areas of my life?

• Am I willing to learn from my mistakes and move on?

• Are there areas in my life where I feel denial, guilt, and/or shame?

• What is stopping me from addressing these areas of my life right now?

Now, if honestly answered, these questions will give you a great foundation of information on yourself to work with. I hope you take time to write down your thoughts or at least just document in some form your thoughts and emotions at this moment.

Step 2: Create an action plan.

After sorting through and answering the questions from Step 1, you are now at the stage where you can start to address the prevalent issues in your internal world. How do you do this? Well, honestly I don’t think there is a cookie-cutter answer. I do know for myself, quantifying the amount of value finding a solution helps motivate me through the unknown.

So, how much relief and freedom would you feel if you were able to forgive yourself for the top three areas that are currently weighing you down? After you have identified the amount of value and benefit resolution would bring out, the next steps I think will help you create an action plan.

• Seek professional help this could look like a therapist, coach, or psychologist. Or if you are religious, consult with a leader within your organization that may be able to assist you.

• Set aside time once a week to focus on this area of your life. In this time slot, you could journal, research this topic, externally process with a close friend, record a voice memo, or just meditate.

• Observe and ponder on the greater picture of life. On a macro scale of your life, how have your decisions impacted you and will continue to do so?

• Take responsibility for what you can.

  • In the paper, “Self-Forgiveness: A Component of Mental Health in Later Life” the authors state, “The final step in the self-forgiveness process involved the honest appraisal of their responsibility for previous mistakes and ownership of negative aspects of themselves that had previously been denied. The resulting feelings of self-acceptance were accompanied by a sense of integration and ease with themselves.”

• Take time to reframe how you perceive yourself.

  • “Enright and the Human Development Study Group(1996) proposed another model of self-forgiveness, such that self-forgiveness requires a cognitive reframing of one’s view of the self. This reframing occurs after individuals experience the emotional impact of their transgressions and examine their context. In so doing, they can understand better the factors that affected their behaviors at the time. For example, when people focus on the pressures they were under when they committed transgressions, they may be able to diminish their self-criticism and forgive themselves for their actions.” - Source

• Give yourself time to heal. This is not an instant process so make sure you do not have unrealistic expectations.

• Evaluate if you are avoiding or taking ownership of your own decisions and on the flip side are you taking on the responsibility of others’ decisions?

Now, after going through these suggested ideas, either take mental or physical notes of what you want to try and just do it. Don’t let excuses or fear hold you back. You got this. If I can walk through this and find healing so can you.

Step 3: Don’t give up.

Now, if you have made it this far in the article and have applied some of what I have suggested I am extremely honored and excited for you. This last step is a simple and hard one.

The honest reality is, you need to value yourself by not giving up. Persevere through the awkwardness and unknown of dealing with negative internal beliefs you have about yourself. Learn from them, but don’t give up till you feel it resolved. You may stumble through this or not instantly find answers to your problems, but if you persevere good things await you.

I like how A. P. J. Abdul Kalam put it, “Never stop fighting until you arrive at your destined place - that is, the unique you. Have an aim in life, continuously acquire knowledge, work hard, and have perseverance to realize the great life.“

I mean, if you have to order pizza every day or go on a retreat to a monastery just do it, figure out how to push yourself through this mental darkness and find answers. This is an attainable goal, just don’t give up. For me, have one or two close friends who I can talk and process with or have to remind me of who I am, helps significantly push me to persevere. >>> Article - Male friendships, their importance, and how to develop them. <<<

I hope on your journey around self-forgiveness, that you do not give up and you are able to find answers.

Human thoughts.

While contemplating this topic and writing this article I posted a question on self-forgiveness online and decided that some of the responses would add to this conversation. So here is the question, “Could you explain to me how you forgive yourself?” Below are some responses to this question.

• Chris — Change! I mean if you already are angry or disappointed in yourself all you can do is make sure you don’t continue to do it. Of course, it’s already happened. In the actual change is where I find forgiveness.

• Sally — It's recognizing first that you hold un-forgiveness for yourself. Once it is realized then find the root. From the root take it out and make sure you hold nothing back in regards to the wound. Each day would be a process in forgiveness. It won't happen overnight but once it is seen then each day would be a day to heal yourself through it all.

• Marc — You have to be 100% honest with yourself. No sugar coating, no B.S. then you have to accept whatever it is you feel you need forgiveness for. It is as it is. If it's something you can control and change then get your butt in gear. If it is not something that you can control or change than it is much harder. You have to accept it and commit to being better going forward. Often takes multiple attempts and time. Sometimes you will have to get some real help.

• Eric — When you forgive another person you’re deciding to no longer let their past behavior negatively influence you, and moving on from there. (This is why forgiveness is always about you, not the other person. ) Similarly, forgiving yourself must be about not letting YOUR past behavior negatively influence you, right? And moving on from there. Naturally, this is a high-level description and the actual process is bound to be more involved.

• Julie — It takes a lot of time. You have to make a promise to yourself that you will be better and you won’t do whatever you did again. And then you actively work at being a better person.

• Jacob — I’ve always found this hard to do. I would say the difficult thing about forgiving yourself is the self-dialogue. It’s easy to get caught up on that. Also, I think it’s easy to just get stuck at the forgiveness part. To build trust with yourself and lasting change, you need to incorporate the positive change into your daily life so you begin to trust yourself and grow a healthy self-image again.

• Lane — Identification, acceptance, appreciation, letting go.

• Jenny — I like this quote which explains forgiveness: "In order for forgiveness to happen something has to die. If you make a choice to forgive, you have to face into the pain. You simply have to hurt." By: Joe Reynolds

Conclusion

It has taken me a long time to process and let go of breaking up with the woman I loved. This might seem odd or not a big deal to you which is fine, but as humans, we all have past decisions we have made that have a lingering effect on us and it just so happens this is one of the most recent ones for me.

Now, this short article is not an absolute guide to learn all the steps in self-forgiveness, no, I just wrote this as a beginning and reference point to help encourage others with tools and thoughts that have helped me on my own journey.

In writing this article I have found more clarity and hope in sorting through the mental mazes life has thrown at me. I hope you find the same thing.

With regards,

Timothy
Founder of The Man Effect