If I was to walk up to a complete stranger and ask them "Do men need authentic friends?" I highly doubt that they would say "No." Yet, how society and the western culture I am a part of yells ever so aggressively the opposite of this hypothetical strangers answer.
I could not quantify the amount of conversations that I have extinguished due to my lack of enjoyment in what I consider meaningless discussions. Specifically, the topic of sports is a strong one for me that I find hard to care about. There is little gratifying to me talking about "the game" that just happened and the pressure that I feel as an athletic, attractive man to have any value for professional sports. Sometimes I find it humorous when I am talked at with the assumption that I am knowledgeable and loyal to sports, I do a vast amount of smiling and nodding, but internally I am dying because this type of conversation leads nowhere authentic for me and that is what I crave and desire. Alas, I am rambling down a rabbit hole, and its time to stop.
The necessity that authenticity holds in my values for masculinity and just life, in general, is so massive I have the hardest time justifying a conversation that leads down a path of anything less than meaningful. I hold such a strong personal belief that the health authenticity brings to a friendship is essential to the development of a confident, well-established man. For example, there is nothing I desire more than in the face of hard times to have a good friend to confide in authentically. Coco Chanel said it eloquently, "Hard times arouse an instinctive desire for authenticity." The reality of this statement I personally find stunning. How often though have I observed people around me or interacted with those who are going through "hard times" which I really would just call the endless journey of life, and these men have no outlet to be honest and open with friends, and quiet frankly even themselves. I wonder if you can being authentic with someone means you feel safe with them.
"Yes, in all my research, the greatest leaders looked inward and were able to tell a good story with authenticity and passion." Deepak Chopra
I have a fear, and it is this, men going their whole lives without having a friend or a community to be authentic in. Men are internally rotting because their emotional self within is despised in the outer realm. I could not emphasize this enough. Men, your emotional self who is authentic, caring, and compassionate is valuable and worthy of recognition and external exposure. If I could have a dream about influencing society and how men interact with the reality we call life it would be this, I would want to implant a value and unspoken acceptance of authenticity throughout the culture of men.
For the sake of all that is good, please desire authenticity more than sex, money, affirmation, or purpose. I believe authenticity is a key to living a healthy life.
Recently and quite probably the last five years I have been going through what I would consider an internal struggle of who I am and what I am doing with my life. What is my purpose and does purpose even matter? I mean if you have a chance to go through and read a few of my articles I am sure this would be a bit obvious. The one thing I have held to, though, throughout the years is the fact that being authentic with my friends and myself has been the most healing and empowering thing I have found yet. It is a resource as valuable as air.
So the following reasons I have listed are why I feel men need authentic friends. I hope you take the time to read it and cognitively think and analyze it.
-<{ If a man can't be authentic he will never be himself. }>-
Have you ever had a conversation with a used car salesman or someone who is a part of a direct sales company? There is nothing more shallow or blatantly inauthentic than an individual sold on the idea that you are solely worth money to them and they will do anything to get you to give up the cash in your bank account. This is an excellent example of not being a genuine human being.
On some level, everyone conforms to the group they are surrounded by, yet it is essential for the development of masculinity to find others to be open and honest with. Some of the men that I percieve as most masculine are those who have been so brutally authentic that my world changed as I knew it. I can remember a couple of times in a quaint group setting that these men began to open up about their struggles in capacities I thought I only wrestled with or in areas that I never dreamed of. Once this emotional nakedness occurred not only my respect for them but our relationship increased significantly.
Some of the most impactful and influential men I know in my life are the most honest and authentic. I feel if you stuff away what is truly occuring in life you will cause life to dull. Not recognizing and allowing yourself to process the struggle will make us stuff everything away which makes life die.
-<{ It is a long-term investment in self. }>-
To be honest even with one's self is a huge feat. It is kind of like that adage that goes something like "You can't love others until you love yourself." I believe this is similar to authenticity. You can't be authentic with others unless you can be with yourself. When was the last time you sat down by yourself and honestly assessed your life, dreams, goals, emotional health, and friendships? The chances are slim that you have and if so it probably has been very rare.
I have seen my emotional health be heavily influenced by the amount of authenticity I prescribe myself to.
-<{ Authenticity creates unexpected fruit. }>-
I think when choosing to be a man of authenticity it is important to observe the fruit of your decisions. I know for myself as I have gone on this journey of trying to be true to myself and those around me my world has become very tight knit. A few of the unexpected outcomes were, men around me started to respect me more, I took ownership of my struggles, therefore, stopped playing a victim and took more aggressive action to change my trajectory, I found much more inner peace than anticipated, I became able to connect with people whom I would never have in a shorter time than before because I became comfortable and more skillful at how I was authentic in social settings.
I would challenge you to just try and increase the amount of authenticity you manufacture in life and then observe the results.
Cheers,
Timothy
