So there I am, sitting in a movie with my friends having my heart taken on a rollercoaster of emotional manipulation as I am thoroughly enveloped in the visual drama set before my eyes. Will the man fall in love? Will they live through the war? What is the end result going to be? Emotion after emotion is passing through my gut like water going over the ridge of a waterfall. I was doing hard work to not engage my internal world as this movie was prodding at things I didn't want it too. It got me thinking about my desire to love and be loved. To be a man who carries authority and respect. My desire to change the world and feel a sense of validation. Why was this over the top Hollywood production triggering my heart so strongly? Had the producer done an excellent job or was I just sitting on the edge of a tipping point and this happened to push me beyond the point of no return?
My heart was beating not only physically, my emotions were also running rampant, and I wanted to get them under control, shut them down, and forget about it all. I've caught myself in this tendency before and stopped myself. This time, though, I wanted my emotional heart to throb, even if it hurt. I hold strong to a belief that to enjoy the fullness of life you have to let your heart beat even if it hurts. What I mean by this is allowing for the ups and downs the dark and the light. Allowing the contrast. Many men flat line their heart to cope with life. This stops them from feeling extreme pain but also stops them from feeling extreme happiness. The cost of survival seems to be the cost of living also. It is as though there are a bunch of emotional zombies out there walking the streets. So, I have desired for my own life to be full of the ups and downs, that way I enjoy the fullness of life!
Heart throbbing, dum dum, dum dum...... Emotions flowing. Is this allowed? Why do I naturally shove it away? Creativity and connection are on the precipice of enveloping my soul. Why do I not connect? Why do I naturally want to shut down emotion?
It is my nature to wonder. It is my nature to fight. It is my nature to question. Yet it is my nature to run from that which I know I should engage. That is my heart. Why do I run from my heart, feelings, and emotions? Just because I am a man? Just because I need to fit into what others perceive of me.... No, I run because I want to. I am scared of who I would be if I allowed my heart to open once again. Feeling the greatness of happiness and sadness, pleasure and pain, security and instability. Will I venture down the cavern I so deeply want to? The journey of my heart. I am a man with a throbbing heart. Will I stop it or embrace it?
Time will tell...
I know this is a bit different from my other articles, but I hope you can enjoy it for what it is.