I have always found conversations around what culture is vs. what it could/should be incredibly exciting. I am thankful for the ability to contribute to the conversation that Tim has started, (grateful if you’ve read this far!) and would greatly appreciate your thoughts or comments on the matter. Even if you disagree, please leave any questions or thoughts you have in the comments below! What kind of person do you want to be? Now onto the good stuff.

Man walking down a dock while looking at a lake in a valley.

We live in a reality where you are expected to react on any and every topic. Everything from how outraged you can be over a myriad of issues, ranging from the trivial Starbucks-Christmas-cup-gate to vital issues like presidential policy. Let's take a step back and stop with the off-the-cuff reactions. It's important to acknowledge the grand duality that is life. Nothing is as simple as it appears, and yet nothing is as complicated as we tend to make it. There are two sides to every story, and often I’ve found the truth lies somewhere between the two versions. I'm sure we've all seen at least one Facebook post about a stranger who is either the best parent or the worst parent, depending on which Facebook college the commenters graduated from giving them expert insight into a stranger's life. But the truth is that a thirty-second video can't tell someone's story. The only person who's the story I know in its entirety is my own. Which is why I always have a million excuses for my poor behavior, and I can so easily give myself the benefit of the doubt that I am a real person, it's just that X got in the way. I've learned, and I'm still learning, how to step back and not let my emotions control every decision. I can step back and look at my problems from an outsider's perspective. It's much easier when I don't have to account for my ego. But I believe there is strength in acknowledging that you don't know everything or everyone. In that light, I do my best to give people the benefit of the doubt. I don't know what their day has been like, so I'm not going to throw any attitude at them at the slightest hint of attitude toward me. I am a nice person; I try to see the world from the perspective of the person I'm interacting with. I care deeply; I listen intently, I respond thoughtfully. Above all, I strive to know the truth and to speak the truth. On the other side of that coin, I can be manipulative, sarcastic, cynical, dismissive and a host of other things I'd rather not broadcast to some of you strangers, or worse yet people who know me!

I'd challenge you to come up with your own set of statements. Know who you are on your best day. Figure out who you want to be, and keep working toward being that person. And don't be afraid to revise or refine it. Once I graduated from high school most of my friends moved on with their lives. I needed new friends, and I wanted to be outgoing. I was a little jealous at the ease in which everyone around me seemed to navigate social situations. I would cringe inside when the person I was with would strike up a conversation with a stranger. I desperately wanted to change. As stubborn and headstrong as I can be, I couldn't change that part of myself. So I let go of that desire. I know I'm awkward, naturally introverted, and I know I'll never have friends upon friends. I have a few friends who are dear to me, and that's all it takes for me to feel whole. I want to say explicitly: I'm not encouraging you to pretend to be something you're not, I'm encouraging you to mindfully be the person that you already are.

And I'll end with this: You will fail. You won't always be the best you in every situation; you might even completely lose your shit some days. I've been there. I think the actual test of manliness (or perhaps fe-manliness) is how you deal with your failure. It's hard to admit that you are wrong, and it's even harder to admit that you acted inappropriately in a situation where maybe the person deserved your reaction. But my entire reason for writing this article is to encourage you to interact with others based on who YOU are striving to be. Maybe the person you are communicating with is an asshole, but you aren't, so quit acting like one.

PS. For those of you who view life through a Christian lens, here’s some extra food for thought, let's call it dessert! In Luke, it says the following,

"But to you who are willing to listen, I say “love your enemies! Do good to those who hate you. Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you. If someone slaps you on one cheek, offer the other cheek also. If someone demands your coat, offer your shirt also. Give to anyone who asks; and when things are taken away from you, don’t try to get them back. Do to others as you would like them to do to you. If you love only those who love you, why should you get credit for that? Even sinners do that much! And if you do good only to those who do good to you, why should you get credit? Even sinners do that much! And if you lend money only to those who can repay you, why should you get credit? Even sinners will lend to other sinners for a full return. Love your enemies! Do good to them. Lend to them without expecting to be repaid. Then your reward from heaven will be very great, and you will truly be acting as children of the Most High, for he is kind to those who are unthankful and wicked. You must be compassionate, just as your Father is compassionate.

~Gretchen

Featured Articles

man holding flowers behind back for woman

4 Common Relationship Issues and How to Address Them

Thoughts around why life will never be fair to you.

I honestly feel a bit like an old grumpy man writing this, even though I am in my early thirties it has become extremely apparent to me that there is this mystical belief ingrained in western societies that everything we desire should be handed to us on a silver platter and when things don’t work out exactly how we want, then the best resort is to become a victim and not look deeply into the fact that our lives literally mean nothing to this world and we are entitled nothing.

man sitting on a bench looking to his left holding his phone and having headphones in

Men should manage their time better and here are 3 reasons why.

As much as it may seem out of the traditional scope of what being a man is, there is nothing I find more valuable than being neat and tidy about my time. Personally and professionally, I attribute nearly all of my abilities to show up as a man to my discipline within my calendar. And so, this is why I wanted to share with you that us men should always strive to manage our time better, and why.

a young boy standing in a field looking at a camera while the sun is setting in the background.

Is Masculinity Part of Male Identity?

If you were to ask a couple of men to give you their own definition of masculinity, what are the odds that you’ll end up with the same answer? You’re guessing right: a good, round zero. Neither you nor anyone else will ever be taught at school, or in a manual, what masculinity precisely means, and that is for a good reason. Because we can be a man in so many different ways, each one of us has to come up with his own definition, see if it holds any value, and these types of variables are exactly what started me on my journey.

a picture of a mountain touching the sky with fluffy white clouds.

Thoughts and reflections upon the topic of perseverance.

This is and has been a fascinating month for me personally and one I will look back upon in the future with a smile and a warm heart.

You see, for years I have worked on, spent countless hours, had endless conversations, and wondered why I continue devoting myself to The Man Effect. In this pursuit I have desired to encourage others, find answers for myself, and just be a man who is passionate about life.

in with a dark hoodie chilling on a bench contemplating life and looking out into the distance

12 Questions And Answers About Living Through Hard Times

During these very unique times of life, hardship for many humans is being created due to the pandemic. I felt it would be an appropriate time to ask for the wisdom of men whom I respect to answer questions around how to handle hardship and difficult times.

The way it is formatted is I will introduce each man who has answered the questions and you will also see ways to find out more about them as well.

I hope you find encouragement, wisdom, and hope in the answers written to these questions.

Thoughts and discussion around self-forgiveness.

Have you ever asked yourself, “How do I forgive myself?” It is a difficult and amazing question all at the same time. Recently, after one of the darkest years of my life, I have started to ask myself this question a lot and I am amazed by the amount of impact it has had on me.

masculine warrior holding a dead man sculpture

What is masculinity? That's a question every man should be asking himself.

The Start

What is masculinity? This question is a core reason why I started this blog and photography project here at The Man Effect. I have been pursuing and exploring this question for years. I love it and the ramifications on my life it has had.

Masculinity, manliness, and the nature of men are not only something that I believe every human should take the time to ponder on. As humans, it is also something we should conceptualize and analyze the belief of how men exist and represent themselves in immediate and extended communities.

Moving forward, I think it would be appropriate to build some foundation of a definition before we proceed with the importance and impact this question can and does have on our lives if we are open to going down this path.

man walking on a beach thinking about masculinity

15 Questions and Answers About Masculinity

Questioning what it means to be a man is something that I would consider to be a foundation to this website. So, in honor of that, I decided to compile 15 questions about masculinity that I have seen and heard asked often.

Now, before we jump into these questions, I would like to explain how the answers were created. I chose to ask four men who I respect to take time and share their wisdom. The next thing I will do is introduce them so you know a bit about the men behind these words.

Lessons I've learned from a traumatic brain injury and why discomfort in life is so important.

I am writing this article for two predominant reasons. One, so I can have a tangible point of reference when I reflect upon this season of life I have been through. Two, the possibility that the lessons I have learned may inspire one person to not give up on life as struggles confront them.

“Believe in yourself, take on your challenges, dig deep within yourself to conquer fears. Never let anyone bring you down. You got to keep going. “ ~ Chantal Sutherland

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