The struggle of day to day meaning and purpose seems to be a consistent advent in my life. In the southern Minnesotan culture, where golden corn fields were my backyard, all I could dream of was doing something epic or being someone who made a significant difference in the world.  As the years rolled by and I watched the sun rest over the golden kernels that feed the milieu we live in, this desire in my life has not diminished. Rather, quite the opposite has occurred. Since I have traversed past my later teens and into my final twenties, nothing has been more apparent to me than the fact that I am still gasping for air, this unseen thing that my innate nature is telling me I need, this imperceptible longing for meaning. 

I was observing these tendencies that I have, and found it fascinating that I was so deeply longing for something more. It got me thinking, what if this desire is a reaction to me drowning internally? What if my soul is fighting for a purpose like my stomach longs for food. What if my guts are screaming for significance like my lungs gasp for air when I am drowning in water. What if I need to stop ignoring this inner war that is going on and give it some attention? What if this squirmish between reality and the invisible is more than a longing for attention?

"Heroism is endurance for one moment more." George F. Kennan

What if I need to be a hero for myself? What does endurance look like when I literally feel my life, masculinity, emotions, and purpose or on the line? How do I take one more day on of this arduous bull-shit that the social construct which I am immersed in tells me is the path which I am obligated to fulfill? How does a man or a human for that fact exist? I am sorry this article seems to be more of a journey entry than anything, but seriously can someone please download the algorithm in my brain for happiness and purpose like they downloaded ninja skills to Neo in the Matrix?

"The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph." Thomas Paine

Can this be true? If I endure will there be a glorious triumph on the other side? Is that even a motivation I want? Ugh! Even if there was a book to teach me how to live life day by day, I fear that this would be worse. 

I think what I am trying to articulate is this; is there a way to stop gasping for air? Will I ever stop having the feeling like I am drowning? Have you numbed the pain or overcome it? 

I really honestly want to know if other people have had this feeling and if so what have they done to overcome it? Please take some time to share your thoughts, as I really do want to hear them. 

Cheers,

Timothy