The Foundation

In my journey of seeking out what the definition of masculinity is, I have observed in the conversations I have had with a multitude of men that when advice is unsolicited it is more offensive than helpful. This realization helped me figure out the times that misplaced advice seemed to be the most unwanted in my own life. So here is a list of what I have observed occur in other’s lives and in my own. I hope you find it useful.

Men working at a table in a conference room.

- When someone is opening up about deep life issues 99.99% of the time you just need to listen and keep your mouth shut.

Over the years my desire for good conversation and personal growth has led me on a trek of encountering people and their raw, unhindered, emotional hearts. Numerous times I have had the opportunity to sit in the company of other men and watch them open up revealing real-life experiences that only trusted ears were allowed to hear. The level of vulnerability they took on their shoulders deserved respect of the greatest form. However, nothing destroyed those moments more quickly than another man taking the opportunity to spout out advice rather than just revel in the humanity being displayed and acknowledge the man for doing something brave. When vulnerability is in the atmosphere I find that unwanted input with the intention of steering the vulnerable person to instantly change or confront their hardship is usually destructive. Being human, though, we naturally want to help those we see struggling, especially if we feel we have the answer. I have found a way to satisfy this urge. Approach the person in need and say something along these lines of, “Hey, I am sorry you are going through this season (showing genuine empathy). I personally went through something similar and if you ever want support or help I would love to talk about it over a drink or food if you so desire (open a door but let them choose to go through it).” At the end of the day, your advice can wait for a better moment. So please, for the love of all that is good, hold your freaking tongue.

- When you have not established rapport with a person your advice generally holds no weight.

I am just going to put this one out there if you do not know the person who you are trying to give advice to then just STOP. Even if you do know them but have not taken the time to build a relationship with a solid foundation, in what world do you think what you have to say is going to be welcomed with open arms? Have you ever had a doctor give you painting advice? Or an artist try and teach you how to perform a surgery? That is how out of context advice feels when rapport has not been built. If you genuinely want to help someone, take the time to assess the relationship and scenario and observe if communicating advice is welcome and if so, will it actually bring help to the other human, or are you just speaking out of pride and ego.

- When they didn’t ask for advice odds are they aren’t ready to receive it.

This might seem obvious to say but if someone does not want your input chances are when you spew out what you perceive as wisdom they will just block you out. Unsolicited advice is more offensive than I think people are aware of. It has this strong implication that the advice-giver is superior and knows what is best, leaving the one receiving advice feeling defensive. If you truly want someone to listen to what you have to say just wait for them to ask for your opinion and even then make sure you are not forcing them to ask you for what you think, THAT IS EVEN WORSE!

- When advice is given in a demeaning tone the chances are they won't listen to you and you are not helping.

I am the youngest of four kids and if there is something I despise so much, it is feeling talked down to. So here is a little tip, when someone asks you for advice make sure the language you use does not make them feel belittled. Statements like, “If you had only done this…” or “I told you so…” are never a safe place to start an unhostile conversation. Making statements that begin with an “I” are best. Also, even the way you chime into a conversation to give some theoretical input can set the whole tone for how the statement will come across. Take a breath, be humble and relaxed, and encourage and respect the target of the advice.

These four situations are all times I truly believe when you shouldn’t give advice. Life is full of ups and downs so I think we could all pitch in and make the world a better place by getting better at giving advice at the appropriate times.

What are your thoughts? How do you think the advice should be given?

Cheers,

Timothy

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I honestly feel a bit like an old grumpy man writing this, even though I am in my early thirties it has become extremely apparent to me that there is this mystical belief ingrained in western societies that everything we desire should be handed to us on a silver platter and when things don’t work out exactly how we want, then the best resort is to become a victim and not look deeply into the fact that our lives literally mean nothing to this world and we are entitled nothing.

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man sitting on a bench looking to his left holding his phone and having headphones in

Men should manage their time better and here are 3 reasons why.

As much as it may seem out of the traditional scope of what being a man is, there is nothing I find more valuable than being neat and tidy about my time. Personally and professionally, I attribute nearly all of my abilities to show up as a man to my discipline within my calendar. And so, this is why I wanted to share with you that us men should always strive to manage our time better, and why.

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a young boy standing in a field looking at a camera while the sun is setting in the background.

Is Masculinity Part of Male Identity?

If you were to ask a couple of men to give you their own definition of masculinity, what are the odds that you’ll end up with the same answer? You’re guessing right: a good, round zero. Neither you nor anyone else will ever be taught at school, or in a manual, what masculinity precisely means, and that is for a good reason. Because we can be a man in so many different ways, each one of us has to come up with his own definition, see if it holds any value, and these types of variables are exactly what started me on my journey.

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a picture of a mountain touching the sky with fluffy white clouds.

Thoughts and reflections upon the topic of perseverance.

This is and has been a fascinating month for me personally and one I will look back upon in the future with a smile and a warm heart.

You see, for years I have worked on, spent countless hours, had endless conversations, and wondered why I continue devoting myself to The Man Effect. In this pursuit I have desired to encourage others, find answers for myself, and just be a man who is passionate about life.

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in with a dark hoodie chilling on a bench contemplating life and looking out into the distance

12 Questions And Answers About Living Through Hard Times

During these very unique times of life, hardship for many humans is being created due to the pandemic. I felt it would be an appropriate time to ask for the wisdom of men whom I respect to answer questions around how to handle hardship and difficult times.

The way it is formatted is I will introduce each man who has answered the questions and you will also see ways to find out more about them as well.

I hope you find encouragement, wisdom, and hope in the answers written to these questions.

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Thoughts and discussion around self-forgiveness.

Have you ever asked yourself, “How do I forgive myself?” It is a difficult and amazing question all at the same time. Recently, after one of the darkest years of my life, I have started to ask myself this question a lot and I am amazed by the amount of impact it has had on me.

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masculine warrior holding a dead man sculpture

What is masculinity? That's a question every man should be asking himself.

The Start

What is masculinity? This question is a core reason why I started this blog and photography project here at The Man Effect. I have been pursuing and exploring this question for years. I love it and the ramifications on my life it has had.

Masculinity, manliness, and the nature of men are not only something that I believe every human should take the time to ponder on. As humans, it is also something we should conceptualize and analyze the belief of how men exist and represent themselves in immediate and extended communities.

Moving forward, I think it would be appropriate to build some foundation of a definition before we proceed with the importance and impact this question can and does have on our lives if we are open to going down this path.

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man walking on a beach thinking about masculinity

15 Questions and Answers About Masculinity

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Now, before we jump into these questions, I would like to explain how the answers were created. I chose to ask four men who I respect to take time and share their wisdom. The next thing I will do is introduce them so you know a bit about the men behind these words.

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Lessons I've learned from a traumatic brain injury and why discomfort in life is so important.

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