As a teenager and young child, I never thought clinging to hope would hurt me so viciously. I hoped to be a successful business man, I hoped to find young love, I hoped to find validation, I hoped to be confident, and the list just keeps going and going. I would consider myself a hopeful person and I am starting not to like this attribute of myself.

Two people staring at a lake in a valley pointing at something on the horizon.

Fast forward over ten years, and here I reside so scathed that when hope knocks at the door of my heart, it just triggers all the painful memories of the past. I have begun to despise myself when I am hopeful. It is as though I ignore all analytical reality and cling to an unrealistic intuitive expectation, that is what I hate. I feel hope sets me up for failure alone and fulfillment is not an option.

Even though I have started to dislike the feeling of hope and want to distance myself from it as far as possible, I have recently had an epiphany in my inner being. When all hope is lost, it is time for a change. If I no longer want to look at the positive and disregard hope as a man, I need to re-evaluate everything and make the conscious decision to change where I am at. I cannot remain as a depressed man. Here is a quote that nearly brought me to tears as I was writing this article.

"We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope." Martin Luther King, Jr.

This was encouraging and yet sobering for me, I mean shit, MLK went through some severe adversity to attain what he was hoping for. I doubt the amount of disappointment I have faced even comes near a fraction of what he encountered, yet I feel in my life I have experienced more disappointment than I had calculated. Growing up a conservative mid-west Christian I was enveloped in my naivety and a circle of influence which seemed to ignore the reality of when the opposite of hope occurred. It was as though if you didn't have trust in the Lord that all things worked together for good you were a bad Christian, and if you did not cling to this hope, you were a lesser Christian. Now no one would ever externally say this in my realm, but it was implicated throughout the culture.

Here is where I have landed as of recent. Hope is my enemy which I need to keep close. I hate the idea I need to stay hopeful right now, yet, I know a life without hope is futile. It is as though I want to reject the very air that has kept me alive for years. I have survived on the hope that things will work out. I have persevered in dating in the hopes that there is someone out there whom I will authentically connect with. I have continued to work in a profession I want little to do with in hopes that something better will come along or a sign from the universe will come and show me what my next step is. I wonder if hope has been an enabler more than a reinforcement. I wonder if how I have been relying on hope is unhealthy and I need to alter my approach. How could I do this? Is this even possible? I guess to do so I would need to know what I currently define hope is, re-assess, and alter it.

Currently how I define hope is the following.
"To cling to a lofty expectation that may or may not come true, to hold to an unrealistic goal, to ignore the feedback of what reality is currently dishing out, and to override one's intellect due to an intuitive whim."

Ugh, even saying how I presently think hope is defined is saddening to me. It shows me how much I have begun to despise hope. It is my observation though that men of present and from history whom I respect have been able to cling to hope when no one else has. This is what fucks with me on so many levels. It is as though I know the very thing I need is the thing that has brought me much pain. How can you approach consuming a pill that you know will be the most painful experience of your life with the lofty notion that possibly on the other side which may not come for a long time the sickness you are inflicted by may be cured? That is how hope feels. It is a lofty dream.

So how does one go about redefining something like hope? How can I change my perspective and become a hopeful man again? I want to be an optimist. I want to see the brighter side of things and cling to it like a child does a new Christmas present they have been waiting for all year long. How does one restore hope in hope? Seems like an oxymoron to me but I honestly want to know the answer. I don't have an answer right now, but I will be searching for one.

In writing this article, my perspective has begun to shift. Hope is being restored in my soul. I mean without hope what is the point of living? I am going to make the conscious decision to stay hopeful. I have decided it is worth it even though it brings me pain. I wonder if the pain of being hopeful is similar to the pain brought by physically working out?

I wish I had more answers. What are your thoughts? Should one remain hopeful or a skeptic? What actions do you take to maintain a hopeful mindset?

Cheers,

Timothy

Featured Articles

man holding flowers behind back for woman

4 Common Relationship Issues and How to Address Them

Thoughts around why life will never be fair to you.

I honestly feel a bit like an old grumpy man writing this, even though I am in my early thirties it has become extremely apparent to me that there is this mystical belief ingrained in western societies that everything we desire should be handed to us on a silver platter and when things don’t work out exactly how we want, then the best resort is to become a victim and not look deeply into the fact that our lives literally mean nothing to this world and we are entitled nothing.

man sitting on a bench looking to his left holding his phone and having headphones in

Men should manage their time better and here are 3 reasons why.

As much as it may seem out of the traditional scope of what being a man is, there is nothing I find more valuable than being neat and tidy about my time. Personally and professionally, I attribute nearly all of my abilities to show up as a man to my discipline within my calendar. And so, this is why I wanted to share with you that us men should always strive to manage our time better, and why.

a young boy standing in a field looking at a camera while the sun is setting in the background.

Is Masculinity Part of Male Identity?

If you were to ask a couple of men to give you their own definition of masculinity, what are the odds that you’ll end up with the same answer? You’re guessing right: a good, round zero. Neither you nor anyone else will ever be taught at school, or in a manual, what masculinity precisely means, and that is for a good reason. Because we can be a man in so many different ways, each one of us has to come up with his own definition, see if it holds any value, and these types of variables are exactly what started me on my journey.

a picture of a mountain touching the sky with fluffy white clouds.

Thoughts and reflections upon the topic of perseverance.

This is and has been a fascinating month for me personally and one I will look back upon in the future with a smile and a warm heart.

You see, for years I have worked on, spent countless hours, had endless conversations, and wondered why I continue devoting myself to The Man Effect. In this pursuit I have desired to encourage others, find answers for myself, and just be a man who is passionate about life.

in with a dark hoodie chilling on a bench contemplating life and looking out into the distance

12 Questions And Answers About Living Through Hard Times

During these very unique times of life, hardship for many humans is being created due to the pandemic. I felt it would be an appropriate time to ask for the wisdom of men whom I respect to answer questions around how to handle hardship and difficult times.

The way it is formatted is I will introduce each man who has answered the questions and you will also see ways to find out more about them as well.

I hope you find encouragement, wisdom, and hope in the answers written to these questions.

Thoughts and discussion around self-forgiveness.

Have you ever asked yourself, “How do I forgive myself?” It is a difficult and amazing question all at the same time. Recently, after one of the darkest years of my life, I have started to ask myself this question a lot and I am amazed by the amount of impact it has had on me.

masculine warrior holding a dead man sculpture

What is masculinity? That's a question every man should be asking himself.

The Start

What is masculinity? This question is a core reason why I started this blog and photography project here at The Man Effect. I have been pursuing and exploring this question for years. I love it and the ramifications on my life it has had.

Masculinity, manliness, and the nature of men are not only something that I believe every human should take the time to ponder on. As humans, it is also something we should conceptualize and analyze the belief of how men exist and represent themselves in immediate and extended communities.

Moving forward, I think it would be appropriate to build some foundation of a definition before we proceed with the importance and impact this question can and does have on our lives if we are open to going down this path.

man walking on a beach thinking about masculinity

15 Questions and Answers About Masculinity

Questioning what it means to be a man is something that I would consider to be a foundation to this website. So, in honor of that, I decided to compile 15 questions about masculinity that I have seen and heard asked often.

Now, before we jump into these questions, I would like to explain how the answers were created. I chose to ask four men who I respect to take time and share their wisdom. The next thing I will do is introduce them so you know a bit about the men behind these words.

Lessons I've learned from a traumatic brain injury and why discomfort in life is so important.

I am writing this article for two predominant reasons. One, so I can have a tangible point of reference when I reflect upon this season of life I have been through. Two, the possibility that the lessons I have learned may inspire one person to not give up on life as struggles confront them.

“Believe in yourself, take on your challenges, dig deep within yourself to conquer fears. Never let anyone bring you down. You got to keep going. “ ~ Chantal Sutherland