You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' Eleanor Roosevelt
3 Reasons why men need to stop trying to please everyone.
There I was a mere eight or nine-year-old rascal of a boy playing with my friends in the backyard by a traditional wood swingset that accrued many hours of our lives. I cannot remember the particular time or cause, but I have this memory that has plagued me for years. As we the posse of local neighborhood kids were playing around in the backyard doing God knows what as entertainment I had a life altering experience. I had done something to make one of the other kids to cry and then tearfully inform me that I was very bossy and this was a negative thing. This memory has not left me. It refuses to be divorced or purged from my life, and I have continuously wondered why and think I am starting to finally find the reason. This recollection has consistently been a reminder to me over the years that I should not be myself because my personality is painful to others, and I should do my best to please those around me by changing.
Confidence and Self-awareness. What are men looking for?
"Over a year ago I managed to lose approx 50lbs and ended up getting in the best shape of my life. It was right after a book worthy divorce which murdered my appetite and ability to sleep, but that's another ball of wax. As I've spent three to four days a week in the gym, I've been noticing a lot about men. We're ridiculous. It's ironic that most guys are visually oriented, so we're constantly looking at ourselves in the mirror (yes me too) which allows us to witness genuine progress. It's weird to me, guys with the biggest biceps or upper body get the most respect or are the most intimidating to others. Women assimilate those big arms and chest to a man who is strong. Maybe she'll feel protected or safer with him. Maybe she wants to be next to something substantially bigger than her, or maybe it's all a bunch of insecure crap. Now I'm not the big guy nor will I ever be as a measly 5'10" weighing in at 190lbs. I'm happy with myself. It's funny, my trainer (an Olympic track coach, so leg day is no fun) told me once, "Ya know, most these guys train only the stuff you see not their legs, hips, lower back, and core. This is the stuff that creates insane real strength in a man I assure you. A man with strong hips, legs and core is to be feared." Then he showed me why and I get it...
When hope became my enemy.
As a teenager and young child, I never thought clinging to hope would hurt me so viciously. I hoped to be a successful business man, I hoped to find young love, I hoped to find validation, I hoped to be confident, and the list just keeps going and going. I would consider myself a hopeful person and I am starting not to like this attribute of myself.
7 Reasons Why Real Men Don't Complain.
I am not sure about you but the people who complain about life, circumstances, or just anything, in general, they come across as helpless little children who need to leech from the strength of more stable individuals in society. I thought this topic might be a bit appropriate to discuss due to the political climate that we are immersed in, in this day and age. I believe it is important to be conscious of words and take each day with a sense of intention rather than passively letting life roll by. Below are a few reasons I feel necessary for men to think about before they commit the childish act of complaining. I hope to reduce this reaction in my life, and I hope you do as well.
Do men need to stop running away from life?
Throughout my journey of searching for what it means to be a man, I have observed a common thread or attribute that seems to be admired and essential to the masculine self. It appears to be facing and surviving the adversity that life brings to the table. William Shakespeare put it elegantly "Let me embrace thee, sour adversity, for wise men say it is the wisest course." How accurate this quote seems to be. When I think about the great men of history, I do not recollect people who had lives full of fluff and comfort. No, the men I respect, admire, and wish I could have their counsel are men who have faced great adversity and overcome it. From your classic Abraham Lincon to the less well known Jedediah Smith these are men whom I perceive as masculine because of the adversity they faced and how they persisted and overcame it.
Masculinity and overcoming the perfect storm.
The perfect storm was about to unravel, and I was as clueless as a young boy who is about to pee on an electric fence for the first time. Life hit hard, and I could not believe how well I responded. I was starting a large job I had been orchestrating for a few weeks in Philadelphia. I flew two of my co-workers and myself from Kansas City Missouri with our tools to knock out the job and make some money for our employer and ourselves. I arrived on the job site, and everything started to deteriorate like a sand castle getting hit by the tide coming in on a beach. When I entered the building and began to get settled in, the realization that a large majority of the information I had been given was incorrect. Mis-information is a significant deal when you plan a job from across the country and create a budget, schedule, and plan to meet deadlines. This situation had gone from building a paper airplane for a child to constructing the next model airplane to be shown in the front entry of an art gallery. The stark contrast of the scope of work was an instant challenge to my emotional well being as I often struggle when my expectations are messed with. It is a challenge to manage a job if you don't know what the scope of work is. Unexpectedly from myself, though, a beautifully swift response from my inner constitution was delivered, and I was able to mitigate my inner world and make a choice to go with the flow and know that I will conquer this even though I just wanted to shrivel up and go back home. The first punch had hit but didn't knock me down. Then the second blow came flying in, two out of three of the crew got the flu for a couple of nights. Then the third strike came in without compassion, I was not going to hit the desired deadline.
Do men need authentic friends?
If I was to walk up to a complete stranger and ask them "Do men need authentic friends?" I highly doubt that they would say "No." Yet, how society and the western culture I am a part of yells ever so aggressively the opposite of this hypothetical strangers answer.
What 2016 Taught Me About Masculinity.
Two thousand and sixteen was a year that wanted to be a teacher. It was the older brother who forced me to sit down and taught me things which I did not want to know and what I did want to know. Plenty of people were longing for the year to end and stop taking the precious lives of their beloved celebrities. I was hoping just to make it to the end of the year and could honestly have little emotion towards the lives of popular culture that were fading away. In reflecting back upon the year though I think it has been a subtle teacher for a few issues on masculinity that I believe will be pivotal in my life.
How honest should I be?
My struggle of being honest was brought to the forefront recently when my annual birthday plagued my life without bias. I have never know how to conduct myself when it comes to my loving family and friends wanting to gift me their affirmation and love. If I were honest, I would say please celebrate me and love me, but alas, what usually happens is I shut down emotionally, and am unsure of how to respond with all the attention focused on my existence.
Authenticity. Does it matter?
I like to believe that I am a man of authenticity. There are moments of compromise, but this is something I desire. I long to be known as an authentic man. In reflecting on ay back from when I started this project the, I interviewed myself before anyone else and asked myself the core question of this project "If you were to describe what it means to be a man in one word, what would it be and why?" My answer was authentic as shown in the picture below.
The Compass of Conviction.
Here I presently exist glaring life dead in the eyes wondering how in the hell am I going to make this? How will I live another day without setting myself up for failure in the present and future? It is as though I am taught by my societal upbringing that life should be magnificent and anything less than that, is a failure.
"Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength." >Arnold Schwarzenegger<
I'm a man with a throbbing heart are you?
So there I am, sitting in a movie with my friends having my heart taken on a rollercoaster of emotional manipulation as I am thoroughly enveloped in the visual drama set before my eyes. Will the man fall in love? Will they live through the war? What is the end result going to be? Emotion after emotion is passing through my gut like water going over the ridge of a waterfall. I was doing hard work to not engage my internal world as this movie was prodding at things I didn't want it too. It got me thinking about my desire to love and be loved. To be a man who carries authority and respect. My desire to change the world and feel a sense of validation. Why was this over the top Hollywood production triggering my heart so strongly? Had the producer done an excellent job or was I just sitting on the edge of a tipping point and this happened to push me beyond the point of no return?
Does Masculinity Have Positive Qualities?
Over the past few years of inquiring upon the society around me, reading, and observing life, in general, I do believe there are positive qualities when it comes to masculinity. I have seen, though, an indirect agenda to tear down anything to do with masculinity, which bugs me. I do understand that there have been male chauvinists, bigots, and elitists, but this does not mean all men are this way or that everything to do with masculinity is negative. It is my belief that there are aspects of masculinity that are positive. Yes, humanity overall has these qualities, but I feel that there are certain aspects of this socially constructed gender role that is beneficial to society.
What this election taught me about myself.
I could not wait for November 8th, 2016 to happen. My world was held captive as the mainstream media, and the internet actively vomited unsolicited opinions for years. Even if I did not want to hear what they had to say, it was forced upon me. Years of that got old very quickly.
What Are You Going To Do?
History asks what would you do. Present day asks what are you going to do?
We are constantly in the face of shape-shifting political dilemmas. Yes, this might be the biggest joke of an election to date for the U.S., but I don't care to talk about that. What I want to focus on is the fact that America is doing the same shit it has done for generations over and over again. For example, have you heard or read anything about what's happening with the Standing Rock issue right now? Check the link out to get you started with some idea of what is going on.
3 Simple Resources Every Man Should Utilize.
When I started my journey into wondering what it means to be a man I wish I could have found simple resources to help me along the way. So the following items listed are all things I wish I would have found sooner in my journey. I hope they help you. So here are three simple resources every man should utilize.
Why I want men to join me beyond failure.
There are very few things in life that frustrate and cause me internal pain as much as people not understanding what I am trying to communicate. It makes me feel belittled and unintelligent for some reason, which I find interesting and will probably process later. Anywho, through this avenue of writing, I am constantly misunderstood, and I take that failure upon my normal sized shoulders because I know I can work harder to communicate. It eats at me. I spend hours on these collaborated packages of words and to learn that I have failed to communicate my intentions is a pungent lesson I hate having to learn. It is my desire that my few readers can accurately follow my train of thought. All that to say, my self-perceived consistent failure to accurately communicate does not hold me back, rather it invigorates me to move forward and not give up.
Some Things Men Should Think About Before Doing Online Dating.
In a day and age where online dating is running rampant similar to the black plague in the fourteenth century, I think it is important for men to take a deep breath and cognitively ponder what is going on and if they sincerely want to join in on the chaos.
The following things listed I simply wanted men to think about before the trek of online dating was ensued upon.
3 Ways To Respond To A Hurting Friend
Have you ever broken a bone or known someone who has had to drudge around for weeks on end with an oversized healing mechanism that the doctors like to call a cast? Well, being in a stage of life that's hard is nothing like that. In fact, facing depression, heartbreak, or lack of direction is quite far from that type of cookie-cutter healing process. Sure there are general steps that everyone can take to work through these issues, but at the core, every person is different and has unique needs when it comes to being able to heal.